Body Image

Hi friends – this feels like such a hard post to write. I have been putting it off for some time but really want to just get it out there and hope that it will help anyone else who may be dealing with body image issues. It also feels like a good time now because the holidays can be triggering for a lot of people and soon after, there will be a lot of people posting about New Year’s resolutions to lose weight.

First, I want to start by saying that I am not a doctor or a professional or a nutritionist in any way. This piece is not meant to replace professional advice or medical attention. It’s just my own story and how I have been affected by diet culture throughout my life.

Second, thank you to everyone who reached out to me on Instagram when I posted a fast story about this. Your words and your stories are so appreciated and inspiring. This post is for all of you. I heard back from an overwhelming amount of you and I knew I had to get this out sooner than later.

My Story

I would be sitting here for a year writing out how diet culture has affected me if I started at the very top so for the sake of time, just know that I grew up during the 90s when being skinny was the goal and I read hundreds of magazines to figure out how to reach that goal. I literally was on Weight Watchers when I was only 14 years old. I went through all of high school and even a bit of college seeing my body as never good enough (I have a curvy body shape and that was just not what I wanted). I look back on photos of myself now and think wow I look awesome but back then, I criticized every photo. I now realize that I was dealing with body dysmorphia (and still do today). I would go on a diet. Lose weight. Binge. Gain weight. Repeat. I was obsessed with a number on the scale. Living life like this wasn’t normal but it was my normal at the time and I didn’t even think twice about it. Shaming myself felt normal (ugh).

When I cut animal products out of my diet, I felt like a weight had lifted for the first time. I actually gained 10 pounds when I started eating plant-based but it didn’t even phase me because I truly felt good. And I don’t mean that because I was only eating healthy… I was enjoying ALL OF IT. Processed vegan food, vegan cheeses, vegan ice cream, veganized cookies… whatever. I ate what I wanted, when I wanted, and did not guilt myself. I never even thought about what I was eating, honestly. I had mastered intuitive eating, it seemed. I stopped weighing myself because my weight seemed to stabilize (which I believe was my set point weight) and just LIVED MY LIFE for the first time ever without worrying or second-guessing. It was so LIBERATING.

Pregnancy changed that for me. Not as much the first pregnancy as the second. But with Willow I gained 33 lbs and lost it fairly quickly afterwards without much effort. I did not count calories but I was weighing myself suddenly ALL THE TIME. The minute you start going to doctor appointments for pregnancy is when the scale comes back in a big way. They check every appointment. So after I gave birth, I still kept up with the scale. When Fiona came along, I gained almost 40 lbs and postpartum recovery during a pandemic, no less. The weight would. not. budge. I was hopping on the scale almost everyday. With clothes. Without clothes. First thing in the morning. After going to the bathroom. Waiting to eat a meal before hopping on… and I started to see the shift mentally. I was obsessed again.

So I did the thing I told myself I wouldn’t do again and I joined WW for 3 months. And yes, I lost weight. Of course I did… it is basically a 1200 calorie diet. And while I can “eat whatever I want” it certainly didn’t feel that way. Suddenly I was measuring out everything and buying different brands of breads and tortillas and obsessing over every little thing I was going to put into my body that day. I did this for 3 months and it was exhausting. And every single weekend, I would unravel. I would binge on whatever because I was pretty much starving. I put my body into starvation mode and would binge binge binge and then “get back on track” on Monday alongside feelings of shame/guilt. And one weekend in particular I had weighed myself 3 times that day because I couldn’t believe after a week of being so good I gained 2 lbs. It just hit me (thankfully). THIS IS NOT HEALTHY. WHY DO I CARE ABOUT THESE 2 LBS. It was robbing me of any joy or happiness… even after losing a whole 20 lbs on this diet. I actually did get back down to my pre-pregnancy weight and it still wasn’t enough for me. But when was it ever going to be enough? It never will! Being on this diet triggered my disordered eating and made me care more about what was on the scale than how I felt. It made me question my own sanity after having horrifying thoughts of purging my meal. It scared the shit out of me to have thoughts like that.

I am fortunate that I was able to see clearly and realize the moment I needed to stop obsessing and stop dieting (not everyone is as lucky). I spoke with a good friend who is in ED recovery (I love you so much) and she shared books and accounts and all the love and words that I needed to hear. Just getting it out felt like a weight lifted. I put the scale away and stopped measuring and read book on book on book. I sat in bed at night flipping through ED recovery & body positive Instagram accounts and read every word that I needed to hear.

I did a lot of crying and had a lot of anger because the world is so backwards. How did we get here? How do so many of us feel the need to hate our bodies? I felt even more guilty thinking about all the hatred I felt toward the body who gave me two beautiful and healthy girls. Two girls who I NEVER WANT TO PASS THIS ALONG TO. I never ever ever ever want to let them see me hate my body. I never want them to watch their mother obsess over her weight or talk bad about herself. Because I have done that exact thing and I know how much it takes from you. I need to be better for them.

I am happy to say that I am in a better place now than I was a couple weeks ago but I am far from feeling 100%. I have work to do and I know that this is going to take time. There is a lot of damage to be undone. I unfollowed IG accounts that promoted diet culture. I followed the accounts that spread body positivity and diversity. I cleared my closet of anything that I was hoping would fit me eventually. I am working on eating intuitively (like I was pre-pregnancy) and not limiting myself. No food is off-limits (aside from non-vegan, but that is and has always been because of animal rights). I eat potatoes and bread and dessert. I eat until I am satisfied. I’ll be damned if I am going to weigh out the grains on my plate or follow the recommended serving size of 3/4 cup of cereal (how does anyone feel satisfied with under a cup of cereal?!) My body knows what it is doing and by tuning in, I know I will find my set point weight again. Pregnancy may have gotten the best of me but now that I am done having kids, I am going to embrace my new normal. My body will never look the way it did when I was in high school or even college. That’s okay. I am not the same person that I was back then. Why should I hold my body accountable to staying the same? MY WEIGHT DOES NOT DEFINE ME.

I could really go on and on about this oh man, and this is probably all over the place. I’m sorry. It is so hard to put down these feelings properly. But what I am going to say is this. If you are struggling or have struggled or find a piece of yourself in what I wrote above, my heart is with you. I know it is so hard. I know what it takes from you. I encourage you to pick up an anti-diet book (I will leave my favorites below) because dieting is NOT the answer. Limiting yourself and starving yourself is not the answer – and there is a lot of science to prove it (Health At Every Size is the book to read if you want all the science). You were not born to monitor your weight. You are not here to look beautiful. You are not here to compete with bodies that are photoshopped. You are REAL. You are BEAUTIFUL AS YOU ARE. You are MORE THAN A NUMBER. Your are living and breathing and that is because your body takes care of you day in and day out. Your body deserves your respect.

Please see the below books and Instagram accounts that have helped me through this. I can’t recommend them enough. And please message me on Instagram if you ever need to talk or vent or anything at all. I know the support helps. And I would be humbled to hear your story, too. x