Hi friends – I have a different kind of post today that I have been wanting to write for some time and get off my chest. We’ll get back to the usual, but for today, I just want to talk about something personal. I hope that’s fine.
I’ve had a weird year. Mentally. A lot of highs and lows. And I know that a lot of it started to stem from the idea of getting out of New England and finding a new state to live. A fresh start. A new place to explore. A new climate. A new adventure. Everything.
My family is somewhat scattered all over the country and sometimes it gets in my head… why are we still living here? Social media does not help. While I love social media for a lot of reasons, I loathe it for just as many. I feel like I have never compared myself to others more in my entire life (and I am really trying my best to not do this!) But you see all these new places all over the world and you’re like wow, why do I not live there? Why am I here? What is keeping us here?
Well, we live here for a a lot of reasons, really. Comfort and familiarity. School systems that I know (and are pretty great). Friends with babies for our kids to grow up with. Extended family. Seasons (even if I don’t like winter… I’d miss fall).
There’s so many reasons to leave, but just as many reasons to stay.
Anyways, this has been weighing very heavily on my mind for a while now. And if you follow me on Instagram, you probably know this because over a year ago, we made the “decision” to move to South Florida… but then retracted. Because we weren’t ready. And we still aren’t ready. But every New England winter, I fall into seasonal depression and a major funk and that’s it, my mind is set on South Florida (where my parents are). It sucks living with depression. Those 4-5 winter months are soul sucking and I wonder why I allow this to happen every single year. But now we transition into summer and it’s beautiful. And I look forward to fall on the horizon… and it makes my heart so happy because autumns are my favorite. Would South Florida make me happy year round? Or just during the winters? I don’t know the answer to that question and I am scared to find out. It’s a big move and risk to take when you have a toddler and baby on the way.
Because of this “should we shouldn’t we” conversation my husband and I have been having for years now, I feel like I never truly “moved in” to our new home. Many of you probably know we moved last October – a bit bigger but with a more manageable backyard. Better school system and beautiful neighborhood. And if I am being 100% honest with myself and you, I am not in love with it the way I imagined myself to be. And I am sick of feeling that way because we are so lucky to be here. And that is where gratitude comes in. I have not been practicing gratitude the way that I should be and I am going to change that.
I realize that I may not be “in love” with it because all I keep thinking about is leaving it. I keep looking at homes in a different state and feeling like, well, we won’t be here in a year or two. And I really need to stop that way of thinking because I want to live in the now. I want to make this house a home. I want to fall in love with this house and neighborhood and keep my heart open to the possibility of staying here and raising our family. There is a lot to love about it – spacious, bright, great neighborhood, beautiful backyard, great schools. The downsides for me are mostly that it is too much house (I hate spending hours cleaning), it’s further from the beaches than I’m used to, and it is proving to be a bit more expensive than we realized (taxes are the worst in this state). But I don’t want to be losing sleep and feeling buyers remorse over this. I want to be grateful that we have a wonderful home in a beautiful state to begin with.
I NEED to let go of living in the future and realize that this is our lives right now. This is what we are living. Who knows what the future holds, but I can’t stress or dwell on what ifs. I want our kids to feel secure and at home here and see that their parents do, too. I want to re-fall in love with all seasons here with new things to do with our kids. I hate the cold and winter, but I love it around the holidays… and I do think I would miss it if we left. I’d somehow feel sad if our kids didn’t play in the snow and build snowmen like we did as kids. Because as a kid, it was the best. You didn’t get seasonal depression because you didn’t overthink things back then and didn’t have to shovel with a bad back and drive in it. I want to focus on what I do love about these seasons and what I am grateful for. Like hot chocolate after being in the snow. And simply having a growing family in this space that will allow us to create the best of memories all over again.
So I have been working on de-cluttering this house and revamping some rooms. We are making small improvements where we can. This summer, we decided to tackle the deck (it was rotting when we bought it) and I’m super excited to have a new area to make our own. I am determined to make this house ours. Whether we decide to up and leave or stick around and raise our family in this house, it needs to be ours right now. I am going to love and cherish it right now. It deserves all the gratitude and love in the world because it is a place that is keeping us sheltered, safe, and together. That’s what home is and really, that is all that matters. Thousands of people do not have that luxury. Homeless people, those living in poverty in undeveloped countries… I have been selfish and ungrateful and I am kinda sick with myself about how I have been seeing things. I need to do better.
If you made it this far, thanks for listening and sticking with me. It is hard for me to open up on here sometimes (hello introvert) but I am totally working on it. This has just been hanging on my mind for a long while and just writing it out and re-reading it back to myself is helpful. I am excited to work on this and have felt better about it than I have in a while. I’ll try to post more photos of it on IG as well, because I want to celebrate this space.
Have any of you ever felt anything similar? The feeling of being a bit stuck somewhere or just not feeling the gratitude you should about something? I’d love to hear how you’ve pulled yourself out of ruts like this or made the best of a situation.
Thanks for listening. xx bianca
