Hi friends – I have a different kind of post today that I have been wanting to write for some time and get off my chest. We’ll get back to the usual, but for today, I just want to talk about something personal. I hope that’s fine.
I’ve had a weird year. Mentally. A lot of highs and lows. And I know that a lot of it started to stem from the idea of getting out of New England and finding a new state to live. A fresh start. A new place to explore. A new climate. A new adventure. Everything.
My family is somewhat scattered all over the country and sometimes it gets in my head… why are we still living here? Social media does not help. While I love social media for a lot of reasons, I loathe it for just as many. I feel like I have never compared myself to others more in my entire life (and I am really trying my best to not do this!) But you see all these new places all over the world and you’re like wow, why do I not live there? Why am I here? What is keeping us here?
Well, we live here for a a lot of reasons, really. Comfort and familiarity. School systems that I know (and are pretty great). Friends with babies for our kids to grow up with. Extended family. Seasons (even if I don’t like winter… I’d miss fall).
There’s so many reasons to leave, but just as many reasons to stay.
Anyways, this has been weighing very heavily on my mind for a while now. And if you follow me on Instagram, you probably know this because over a year ago, we made the “decision” to move to South Florida… but then retracted. Because we weren’t ready. And we still aren’t ready. But every New England winter, I fall into seasonal depression and a major funk and that’s it, my mind is set on South Florida (where my parents are). It sucks living with depression. Those 4-5 winter months are soul sucking and I wonder why I allow this to happen every single year. But now we transition into summer and it’s beautiful. And I look forward to fall on the horizon… and it makes my heart so happy because autumns are my favorite. Would South Florida make me happy year round? Or just during the winters? I don’t know the answer to that question and I am scared to find out. It’s a big move and risk to take when you have a toddler and baby on the way.
Because of this “should we shouldn’t we” conversation my husband and I have been having for years now, I feel like I never truly “moved in” to our new home. Many of you probably know we moved last October – a bit bigger but with a more manageable backyard. Better school system and beautiful neighborhood. And if I am being 100% honest with myself and you, I am not in love with it the way I imagined myself to be. And I am sick of feeling that way because we are so lucky to be here. And that is where gratitude comes in. I have not been practicing gratitude the way that I should be and I am going to change that.
I realize that I may not be “in love” with it because all I keep thinking about is leaving it. I keep looking at homes in a different state and feeling like, well, we won’t be here in a year or two. And I really need to stop that way of thinking because I want to live in the now. I want to make this house a home. I want to fall in love with this house and neighborhood and keep my heart open to the possibility of staying here and raising our family. There is a lot to love about it – spacious, bright, great neighborhood, beautiful backyard, great schools. The downsides for me are mostly that it is too much house (I hate spending hours cleaning), it’s further from the beaches than I’m used to, and it is proving to be a bit more expensive than we realized (taxes are the worst in this state). But I don’t want to be losing sleep and feeling buyers remorse over this. I want to be grateful that we have a wonderful home in a beautiful state to begin with.
I NEED to let go of living in the future and realize that this is our lives right now. This is what we are living. Who knows what the future holds, but I can’t stress or dwell on what ifs. I want our kids to feel secure and at home here and see that their parents do, too. I want to re-fall in love with all seasons here with new things to do with our kids. I hate the cold and winter, but I love it around the holidays… and I do think I would miss it if we left. I’d somehow feel sad if our kids didn’t play in the snow and build snowmen like we did as kids. Because as a kid, it was the best. You didn’t get seasonal depression because you didn’t overthink things back then and didn’t have to shovel with a bad back and drive in it. I want to focus on what I do love about these seasons and what I am grateful for. Like hot chocolate after being in the snow. And simply having a growing family in this space that will allow us to create the best of memories all over again.
So I have been working on de-cluttering this house and revamping some rooms. We are making small improvements where we can. This summer, we decided to tackle the deck (it was rotting when we bought it) and I’m super excited to have a new area to make our own. I am determined to make this house ours. Whether we decide to up and leave or stick around and raise our family in this house, it needs to be ours right now. I am going to love and cherish it right now. It deserves all the gratitude and love in the world because it is a place that is keeping us sheltered, safe, and together. That’s what home is and really, that is all that matters. Thousands of people do not have that luxury. Homeless people, those living in poverty in undeveloped countries… I have been selfish and ungrateful and I am kinda sick with myself about how I have been seeing things. I need to do better.
If you made it this far, thanks for listening and sticking with me. It is hard for me to open up on here sometimes (hello introvert) but I am totally working on it. This has just been hanging on my mind for a long while and just writing it out and re-reading it back to myself is helpful. I am excited to work on this and have felt better about it than I have in a while. I’ll try to post more photos of it on IG as well, because I want to celebrate this space.
Have any of you ever felt anything similar? The feeling of being a bit stuck somewhere or just not feeling the gratitude you should about something? I’d love to hear how you’ve pulled yourself out of ruts like this or made the best of a situation.
Thanks for listening. xx bianca
Love your post. I feel much the same about my home and situation. I am thankful to live in a beautiful home but hate the city and state I live in. So your post really hits home and likely for many more people as well.
Hi Beth – thank you for taking the time to read it. It is nice to see that I am not alone in this internal struggle. It helps to focus on the positive but is not easy. Wishing you the best. xo
I can definitely relate on many levels. We may not have our own house yet (renting a 3 bedroom, that my husband lived in before me…so it’s never felt like my own ‘home’) and we’re still giving ourselves some time before starting a family…BUT, I can absolutely relate to living in the future, and I think it can be a disease. I’m always planning what’s next, setting up the next big goal for our family, and for a while trying to keep up with my husband’s friends who have different budgets and life plans than us. Just a few months ago I started to really let go of the need to do do do and compare. And I’m finally feeling some relief. This week in particular I stopped and realized I’ve been so much happier because I’ve just been tackling one project at a time, one day at a time and knowing that each day I’m doing my best and it won’t always look like the day before it…so it feels like perfect timing that I read this post :) Practicing positive self talk has really helped me too. The moment I have a negative thought about our home, our savings, our baby ‘timeline’ or even just about myself I try to immediately turn it around and re position it in my head to focus on the positive. The ‘I get to’, ‘We get to do xyz…’ statements really do work! Will be thinking of you lady!
Kelly – ah, I loved reading your comment and could relate with so much. We have always worked ahead of ourselves, huh? Haha! Total planners which is a blessing and curse. Thanks so much for the tip on turning it around immediately. I am gonna start talking to myself outloud when I get in my head. I think those statements you mentioned will definitely help me!! Wishing you luck as you navigate the same trials! 💛
I used to feel this way very much when I was going to school in NH. I missed LI so much..but then was in LI, missed NH. I love how you mention wanting to live in the here & now. I found writing in a daily gratitude journal very helpful. It really helped me see how the present was pretty wonderful!
Hi Tracey – I can relate!! I love the idea of a journal… I used to write in one but stopped. You’re inspiring me to pick it back up 🥰 thank you!!
Hi Tracey and Bianca,
I’m including Bianca as I am a former Long Island gal too… and even after returning to LI following a move to Florida .. having missed LI so much and never feeling Florida was ‘home’… haa, I managed to make what was to be a ‘permanent’ move to India… feeling ‘at home’ there when visiting, only to feel that universal loneliness once there ‘permanently’ and couldn’t get out of India fast enough. I’ve not yet mastered the art of knowing that right where we are is indeed home… but I am staying put now in Ulster County, NY. Perhaps we are all ahead of the game being animal advocates and knowing our oneness with all life; this removes much of the confusion of life and gives us our solid base.. no matter where we may reside and call ‘home’.
Thank you Tracey for your wonderful blog.
What a wonderful sentiment, Carol. That’s a beautiful way to look at it. Thank you for sharing your experience with me!
(This is Bianca’s blog, by the way. Lol!)