Hi guys – real talk post ahead. I while back, I turned to Instagram to air out some frustration. I don’t normally do that, but I want to be honest and genuine on here. It’s not always rainbows and butterflies and colorful plates and happiness. After I had Willow, I suffered from minor depression and anxiety. Well, anxiety might be a bit major. I have always been a pretty anxious person, but having a baby really rocked the boat. It magnified by 1000, really.
I didn’t feel myself for a long time. I actually still don’t, but I am working on it… and that is why I am writing this post. It took me some time to come to terms with the fact that I am never going to be the same exact person I was before her. I used to work full-time in an office, and now I am a freelance writer. I used to have a routine, and now every day is different. I used to wear jeans and my hair down, and now I am almost always in leggings with a ponytail. I used to wear earrings and necklaces, and now I am bare to avoid the yanking and pulling. I’m a mom now. And that is fine, because now I have the chance to reinvent myself and own this new me. I want to be the best person I can be for not only myself, but for Willow. I don’t want her to see someone who is anxious and sad. I don’t want her to see someone who is unhappy with her body. I am promising myself that I will be better than that. For me and her.
So here I am, taking to the blog to write down some of the ways I plan to work on myself and find that new me. I feel like I need to write these goals down and put them out into the universe. I think it will help hold me accountable, but also allows me to look back at this list if I need a quick reminder. The older Willow gets, the easier each day becomes – honestly, the more independent she is, the better the days get. So now that she’s a little less dependent on me (the newborn stage, man), I have been focusing on the below.
Cutting sugar from life. I’ve wanted to do this in the past, and I did once for about a month and then gradually it faded. I felt so good when I wasn’t eating processed sugar. Fruit and dates, yes. Occasionally pure maple syrup, okay. But cutting out the chocolate, vegan Ben & Jerry’s, etc… it is something I really feel I need to do. I know I feel better without it, so here we go.
The occasional treat is fine – like if my husband wants to go on a date night to Ben & Jerry’s, I won’t say no. But I am going to do my very best to keep those treats to a minimum.
Eating whole foods vs. processed. Along the same lines as above, I really need to cut back on processed foods. It was so easy to turn to them when I was starving all the time and nursing and just needed something quick and easy to make. I was way too tired to care. But my body functions and feels better on a whole foods, plant-based diet. Greens, veggies, fruits, grains, legumes, lentils, grains… that’s what it’s about, and that is what I am going to be focusing on.
Cutting back on refined oil. And again, still speaking of diet (because honestly, diet affects me the most) I have decided to also cut oil from my life. Refined oil is just fat – healthy or not. If I want healthy fats, I would rather fill up on a nourishing avocado or snack on a handful of nuts. Or even some olives. But dousing everything in oil is really not doing me any favors. It makes me feel mostly sluggish. I am going to see how this goes…
Again, cutting back means keeping it from my daily routine, but if we go out to eat, I’m okay with it.
Getting out of house more. I am so bad at this, but I need to do better. I was so nervous going out with Willow at first, even though she’s literally an angel. I would get anxiety thinking about “what could happen.” With warmer weather ahead, I am going to try to get out at least a few times a week, if not everyday. Even if that means taking a quick ride to the bank and back.
Hair cut. I never got the “mom cut” until I became a mom. I love long hair, so I don’t think I’ll ever go short, but definitely shorter. A hair cut does wonders for me. If I can’t wear earrings and necklaces, I at least need to feel good about my hairstyle. And now I am in the middle of losing all of my hair (well, feels like all of it) due to my hormones all out of whack… woof. Shedding like a dog!! So a haircut and possibly a highlight are in my near future.
Replacing anxiety with relaxing activities. My anxiety is always worse at night… always. If my husband falls asleep before me, I am up with anxiety thinking about all the horrible things that could go wrong… FOR NO REASON. My mind wanders like crazy. I was talking to my mom and brother about it and they actually gave me awesome advice, and I have been doing this every night. I swear it helps so much. If I feel anxious or nervous, I do a puzzle. I have the app Magic Puzzles and I am obsessed with it. It not only keeps my brain busy, but I get so tired. It literally puts me to sleep. Finding something to replace my anxiety with has really helped.
Cutting out drama shows and opting for more comedy. Anyone that knows me knows that I love a good drama (Walking Dead especially) but I have been trying to distance myself from shows that cause me anxiety and watch things that make me laugh. New Girl has been a favorite recently. My other go-to shows are The Office (always), Parks and Rec, That 70’s Show, and Friends.
Going for more walks. This kind of goes hand-in-hand with getting out more… but I need to be more active. Again, warm weather means I will be trying to do this more.
A few other minors things I’ve been doing to keep me happy is listening to my own music when Willow is napping, finding new pieces of clothing that make me feel good with my new body, drinking more tea, and taking time to myself when Willow goes to bed to write.
These are just a few of the things that I hope will help pull me out of this rut I have been in. I know the weather also plays into this (I am not a winter person), and that is something else I am going to try and change. My husband and I are looking into moving somewhere warmer… and I know this is a major change, but it is something we both may need. I could use a new adventure – and what is life if you don’t shake things up every once in a while, right? That’s a story for another day, though.
If any of you are moms out there, what did you do that made you feel more “you” and pull you out of any postpartum ruts? I’ll take any advice I can get. Thanks for listening to me rant. I appreciate anyone who took the time to read this and/or comment! Because honestly, this blog plays a huge part in my happiness these days. xo bianca
You really put into words what happens to all of us after having a child. I went through a similar metamorphosis with my first, though I was never quite as stylish as you ;) I’m sure the same you is in there. She just needs some time to transform into the next phase. I promise wonderful things lie ahead. Now I sound like a fortune cookie, but you got this gurl!
Thank you, Nat!! I’m not looking too stylish these days, lol! I appreciate the encouragement and the fortune cookie advice :) I am so looking forward to the next stage. Miss you and hope you and your boys are well! xo
Hey B, ig follower here. :)
I’m glad you wrote about this and poured yourself out. ❤️ It’s hard to admit sometimes that motherhood isn’t all pure joys. As much as I love my two, a lot of stress, depression and anxiety have come with it (double that too, in my case).
I’ve been practicing with a little blog myself. Thanks for the inspiration ✨
Hey Maryssa – thank you so much for reading. I’m glad to connect with other strong mamas like you – it’s a good and much needed support system. I can’t imagine having twins – you are a warrior! And they are adorable :) xo
Hi! I wanted to first off say thank you for sharing this, I’m currently pregnant with my first baby and suffer from depression and anxiety. It sometimes feels like I’m alone or a bad mom for having these emotions. However, it’s normal because of the severe changes we go through. It’s amazing to see that you are aware of what your dealing with and you will take time and effort to handle it. That’s what makes you a great mom. You’re doing a great job and I can’t wait til you share more of your motherhood journey with us. Lots of love 💕
Hi Amii – thank you so much for the kind words and encouragement. I’m sorry to hear that you suffer from depression and anxiety, but very excited for you and your pregnancy. You are going to be a great mom! And even on my worst days, she makes them brighter. I am sure you will find that out soon. I appreciate the love. Sending it right back to you! xo
I’m not a Mom so I don’t have any good advice. But as a non-Mom I would say 1. We underestimate how hard it is to keep a little human healthy and happy. It’s hard work. Acknowledge that even if others don’t. 2. Be kind to yourself. Your needs are still important. Don’t feel guilty about taking care of yourself. I know it’s b3come cliche but there’s a reason they say put the oxygen mask on Yourself first.
Hang 8 there 😘
Andrea – thank you so much for the encouragement. Everything you said is so true… it’s hard not to feel guilty, but I am slowly getting better at that! <3 xo
Thanks for sharing this! Like I said on IG, you’re doing so great – and keep reminding yourself how awesome you are! That’s helped me. Every morning and every night I make a gratitude list and write my affirmations. It does wonders for me to relax, trust, and also enjoy. We’re so busy doing our best that it can be hard to freaking have fun…so I have dance parties for myself or with my baby. Also – I’m thinking about a hair cut too! For lots of reasons…but I love my long hair. That’s such a big part of my identity. We’ll see what happens. Thank you again for sharing!
Thank you so much, Ally! I do have to keep reminding myself, hahaha. It sounds silly, but honestly does help. I love the affirmations idea. I should try it. Thank you so much for sharing with me. xo
It is so hard when you have a new baby, I can really relate to a lot of this! For me, I do similar things to help to what you are doing, and it works. :) Especially now that spring is here I really feel like I’m getting more energy, eating a little better, I really need a hair cut, I feel like getting a hair cut and new clothes does help a lot, making sure to take a shower when you need it (not always easy with a baby or when you feel like nobody will see you anyway), even putting on some make up if you feel like it. :) I’m also going walking a lot and the more I do it the more energy I have. :) Spring cleaning the house helps me too. I hope you are feeling better and having fun finding the new you. :)
Hey Ciara! I’m also so happy about spring being here. It really does wonders for the mood, right? I agree about the hair cut and new clothes… I recently did both, lol! It felt great. Thanks for sharing what works for you. I actually should do some spring cleaning. That is am awesome idea. Hope you are well. xo!